dying

So, yes I've been absent ... very absent. Four months to be precise.

Now that I look back, the time I ceased blogging exactly coincides with the time my mother was admitted to hospital with an unknown illness. Some of us were saying, oh she just needs to live healthier and it's all in her mind, she needs to think well.

Hindsight is 20/20. The very day those words came out of my mouth at my Aunty's funeral was the day it all took a turn for the worse. A week later my mother was gone.

I now have a newfound empathy for those whose loved ones die in hospital with tubes and fluids and distraught family members all around. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I can't bring myself to describe it here, but I can say that even with my belief that Mum lives on in heaven, it is very sad and extremely traumatic.

It's been almost three months now and I'm thankful for my beliefs as without them I suspect I'd be a depressed blubbery mess. I still get sad. I still cry. I am often a mess. I miss her so much.

But life carries on doesn't it. Babies still need nursing and nappies changed. Kids need dinner and clean clothes. Husband needs a listening ear for his career development (more on that later). And so we pick ourselves up, grit our teeth and carry on.

We adapt to a new world. One where I have to be a bit more resilient and independent. One where I fight the urge to pick up my phone to ask her a question about sewing, cooking, communication or relationships, or to use her as a sounding board on my parenting dilemmas and work ideas.

I don't think I'll really ever get over it. The pain fades a little, the trauma heals, but I will always miss her because she is my mum.

Doing What's Most Important

Yep I've been 'absent'. I haven't posted in a long time. Eeek!

*embarrassed-but-not-without-sarcasm-face*

But I haven't fallen off the wagon. No way. In fact I've been busy making changes.

Two months ago I went for a 7km walk. It was the first time I'd done something like that for over two years! I'd been preaching this whole 'take things easy', 'start slow and steady' etc, but I just wanted to see where I was at.

Big mistake. For four days afterwards I was still in pain from a) the effects of my half-size too small shoes & b) the effects of OOS/inury to my hip flexor. The latter was so bad that when I got to the bottom of my hill I was texting and calling hubby to come and get me. Unfortunately he was asleep with LP. So I literally dragged myself up the hill, wishing I'd worn a sports bra instead of one designed for comfort and breastfeeding. And wishing I'd taken my own advice to take it easy.

Other little niggles have been plaguing my body. SPD still hasn't gone away completely (clunk goes the pelvic bone). Breastfeeding is a challenge to my aching neck. Dehydration ("just how much water are you drinking breastfeeding mummy?" asked my doc...), dizzy spells and creaky knees ... etc.

The straw that broke the camels back was LP's paua syndrome. She is the paua. And I am her rock. And she has stopped sleeping through the night ('yay, more awake time with my baby at night' said no mum ever!).

I realised that there's more to life than grinning and bearing it. I needed to offload something so that I could actually enjoy these precious times with my family and look after myself as well.

So ... I (with careful contemplation including prayer and discussion with the husband) decided to give up the Health Champion role for the marae. It was a huge and difficult decision because I actually loved it and I'm good at it. Planning events, promotion, relationship building, organisation, etc ... but more importantly, helping our whanau live healthier lives. It's been a real privilege to do this mahi - but for every thing there is a season. And this is my season to raise the littlies into bigglies. And to look after myself because you can't look after anyone else if you aren't 'right' yourself.

So yep, it may take me several days to compose a blog post due to the several interuptions from my kids. And yep, I may just be walking all the way through the 'run' on the Iron Maori due to my wrecked knees. But I'm okay with that because the main thing is I'm happy and I'm living in the moment with my family and soaking up every ounce of growth, strain, love, pain and joy. Because in the end, that's what is most important in life.

*big-happy-smiley-face*

Registration for Iron Maori!

On Saturday morning I woke up at 1:30am. And again at 4am. And finally again at 8am.

Baby was exceptionally thirsty that night - it was stifling hot. Plus she is four months old and ready to munch on the solids - just hasn't got quite used to the texture and technique.

Normally I would be stoked that I 'slept in' until 8am.

But about two minutes after I woke up I realised that this morning was not a morning to be sleeping in. This morning was Iron Maori registration day.

Registrations opened at 7:30am.

I'd heard that it usually sells out in 10 minutes!

Crap.

I jumped on my tablet and typed in Iron Maori registrations. I pressed enter. The little round thingy spun around and around. I am not a patient woman. I grabbed my cell phone and did the same thing. By this time my tablet had loaded up. Weirdly the little countdown timer to registrations was still counting down with 11 hours to go. Strange. The column on the right said it was open from 7.30am. I clicked on that. And held my breath.

[Sidebar: Even though I was freaking out I still noticed the 1/4 and the 1/2 are called the Tahi/Wha and the Tahi/Rua.... Aue taukiri e.]

I got redirected to the Trident site. When I clicked on the 1/4 individual event I went to a page that had a button at the top saying Individual, then the title 1/4 Iron Maori, then a paragraph that said I needed a login and I could get one when registrations were open, etc. No Register Now button, or Click here to register. I was still confused. Were registrations open?

After a few minutes of discussion with the husband, I jumped on the PC just in case my mobile devices were missing something.

Nope. The site online was identical. I resigned to thinking I had missed out for a few moments. But this could not be the result. After all my efforts I surely could not have missed out on even getting started on achieving my goal because I slept in!? I decided to think outside the box and clicked on that button above the title.

I smiled as I was taken to the login page and registered. As I went through, however, the pages loaded more and more slowly. When I got to the tshirt size page (what is up with only having the female fitted shirt in Small?!) it crashed. My smile vanished.

Argggghhhhh! I clicked on Medium again. Nothing. I clicked on Large. Nothing. My blood pressure went from low to average. I tried to go back to the start and register again. [my email address] is already registered. Deep breaths.

I was not going to let this poorly designed online form beat me. Not after all my mental preparation and investment (not to mention the start I'd made in the physical department).

I noticed a shopping cart at the top right corner. I knew I hadn't finished registering because I hadn't paid. I clicked. And held my breath.

 ... Bingo! *huge flood of relief*

I entered my payment details and finally the whole ordeal was over ...

... And so starts the next phase of this journey. I just bought a bike last week and will be getting it soon - haven't ridden a bike since I was a teenager. This should be interesting :)

Addiction #1

It's such a daunting word that one - addiction.

Many people would hear that word and think it doesn't apply to them. I'm not addicted to cigarettes, alcohol or drugs (legal or otherwise) so don't talk to me about addiction - I'm not an addict. But I think we are all addicted (to some degree) to something, be it food, drink, medications, behaviours ... I know I am addicted to several things. One of them is ...

Chocolate.

(It's so special it needs its' own paragraph.)

I hear you thinking yeah, yeah, that's what we all say when we're talking about addictions to make it seem somewhat acceptable. But I'm serious...

Hi My name is Myra and I'm a Chocoholic.

Ever since I used to climb up on the bench as a young'n and sneak spoonfuls of milo, to the teen years when I bought a Mars bar most weeks with the hope I would get the free Mars prize inside the wrapper (which would be immediately eaten when won), to CCNZ (all that chocolate milk & King Size Cadbury holdouts on the hill by the shop), to adulthood and the freedom to buy and eat as much chocolate as I ever wanted ... this addiction has been cultured throughout my 40 years of life and in the past 20 it's been a constant battle.

Once I went chocolate free for 9 months - never craved it (after the initial days of wanting to scratch my eyes out I wanted it so bad). Then someone somewhere offered me a piece of a slice that had a bit of chocolate on it. I remember that moment - I thought to myself ' ... it's just a tiny bit ... the main ingredient isn't chocolate ...' ... and I partook. Then the next time I was at a morning tea or something, I justified again in my head 'well I'm not really chocolate free anymore so I'll just have a little bit and manage my chocolate intake'.

Mea rawa ake (nek minnit) I'm back where I started.

Actually these days I'm not too bad ... but here's the problem - if I have this stuff around me, I can't just eat a tiny piece or two and then leave it for the next day or so. So we don't buy chocolate anymore because if we do ... that bar of chocolate in the fridge is calling my name all day - and I can't leave it hanging. I have to visit it repeatedly throughout the day and give it a high-five, snap off a row and chow down.

When I get down to the last couple of pieces I usually stop. It's tough but I can't eat that last row unless something tips me over the edge - like I'm angry or stressed. Why? Because if I eat that last piece (yes lets face it there's usually only one left) then I really am an addict. If I don't then I still retain some dignity and control (albeit completely in my mind).


Reporting last week 
AP - achieved :-), EP - partially achieved (didn't do the hand weight workout), MP - achieved :-)
This week
AP: Look at bikes on trademe.
EP: Walk to/from school with boys on Tuesday, go for a swim on Friday, do a resistance workout on Wednesday and Thursday.
MP: Paint my nails.

My Happy Place

A comfort zone. A place where you feel relaxed, safe, unchallenged and, well, comfortable.

This is the place I love to live in. It's cosy and warm when the chilling winds blow through your coat. It's cool and refreshing when you're suffocating in sweat. When you've been up since 4am with a day full of mumming, it's that deliciously inviting bed that you can flop into and finally ... (deep breath in ... *sigh*) ... exhale.

Yes, the comfort zone is my happy place. I love my comfort zone.

Now my traditional comfort zone is not a place where you find a lot of strenuous exercise going on. Which means ... sadly ... hanging out in my lounge of comfort is counterproductive to my goals. 

But ... what about that awesome feeling I have both during and after said strenuous exercise? (Thank you endorphins). And what about that amazing sense of achievement and satisfaction knowing I'm doing something that is bettering me (instead of that feeling of guilt that gnaws away at me when I spend too much time in aforementioned comfort zone).

Perhaps my happy place isn't really blobbing out in front of a movie on the couch like a zombie?

What if they are both good for me?

Or ... and here is the 'a-ha' moment ... maybe exercising regularly and chilling out regularly are actually two very important activities to achieving a balanced and satisfying existence! That's it ... my truly Happy Place is a place where I can get in and out of my comfort zone, and still be .... happy!

I like this blogging thing!!

...

So in addition to putting my brainwaves of genius on 'paper', each week I'm going to record an action plan that will help me achieve my goals and report on the previous weeks' plan. This is something I learned when I was trained as a facilitator in the Stanford University Chronic Disease Self-management Program (more on that later). I wont always post up the plans because they can get quite personal, but here are this weeks' so you get an idea. 

Action plan (AP): I will find out when registration opens for the 1/4 Iron Maori on Tuesday morning after the girls go down for a nap.

Exercise plan (EP): Go for a swim at Clive pools on Tuesday (no set laps as it will be my first time back in the pool for almost a year), go for a walk at the beach on Thursday morning, and do one short resistance workout using light hand weights on Friday between 9 and 12.

Me plan (MP doing something for myself): I will put moisturiser on my face and hands in the morning after I brush my teeth on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday.

These plans may sound a bit strange but such are the plans of the Stanford course. I'll explain in another post but basically it's got to be achievable and I know I will not be able to achieve putting moisturiser on every day so I'll aim for 4 days and anything over that is extra kudos for me!

Take that, cake!

You've heard of slow and steady wins the race, but this takes the cake. And I mean the literal cake.

Let me explain.

This time of year, whilst great for making resolutions about healthy eating etc, also brings the most challenging temptations for me. And so I've had a slow start.

For a good month after Christmas we have no less than 8 birthdays and 2 wedding anniversaries in our family. Add in the regular feasts at Christmas and New Years and it's cake city - mostly chocolate (my absolute favourite), but sometimes cheesecake, trifle, steam pudding, banoffie pie, ambrosia, etc, etc. 

Okay that's not all cake ... but it's pudding, it's yum, and eating too much of it makes you fat. Just like cake.

And so it is that I find myself making yet another chocolate cake. I'm using the Hershey's recipie that is so easy and mmmmm caaaaaaaake kinda yum. I'm only mildly ashamed to admit that I just looooove to lick the spoons, beaters, rubber scraper and bowl. 

(Raw cake mix - it brings out the extended syllables in me!)

But this time I thought about my goals (and my overindulgence in recent weeks) and decided to mix up the whole cake from start to finish without licking or sampling along the way. And because I want to pass on good habits to my kids I wasn't even going to call them in to have my spoils.

That batter was looking sooo chocolatty and delicious. Not unlike some of those rebels-without-a-cause I used to be attracted to as a teenager. But, as I learned to do then (after much trial and tribulation), I employed the nonchalant almost-scowly attitude and kept my eyes focused on the task at hand ... and it worked!

And because I was feeling so good about myself I also decided to clean up the cocoa/flour-bomb effect going on in the kitchen. (I can see the relief in my husbands eyes already.)

Now the cake is baked and almost cool enough to ice. The kitchen is semi-clean (since I finished several kids have had reheats and there's bowls strewn around the sink like half-sunk ships). I haven't had anything unhealthy to eat today ... yet. I'm still going to eat a slice later because it's birthday cake after all!

So even though I may have had a slow and steady start to this journey, I'm still on it, learning and achieving as I go. Small steps will get me there.

And the next time I'm baking a cake I can just poke my unencumbered-with-batter tongue at that empty bowl and dripping beaters, then wash that bad habit down the drain!

Starting another journey. ..

Kia ora. My name is Myra. I turned 40 last week. I have 7 kids, 4 that I gave birth to and 3 step-sons. My hubby and I have been married for 3 years-ish. We live in Waimārama – the most beautiful place on earth. I am a community volunteer, self-employed co-owner of two businesses and stay-at-home mum. My baby was born 8 weeks ago today ... which I why I am starting this blog now.

8 weeks ago I was in ridiculous pain – as all mums who give birth know – but this pain was from the post-birth stuff going on. Stiches, injections, gas, tears – it was all on and I nearly got shipped off to theatre. She (my baby) was 8 lb 5 – my smallest bub – but did the most damage. It’s not her fault!

The weeks following were the hugest struggle I’ve had ‘healing’ up, physically and emotionally! But now I’m pretty much there – a few pains here and there but today I decided to ‘get back into it’. That is, exercise! (Ha ha you thought this blog was all about having babies and stuff ;) Well it kind of is but more on that later...)

So yep – I woke up at 5:30 and fed LP (little princess), hubby got up and got brekkie for BP (big princess) then he came back to bed still revelling in the awesomeness of his epic surf sesh at the Spit in Mahia yesterday. As I was snuggling in for a snooze a niggly thought danced around the edge of my mind – and this time I felt ready to act on it.

20 minutes later I was walking on the most beautiful white-sand beach in the world (I’m biased but it’s up there) with the sun streaming on my back with a rosy hue in my cheeks. I felt empowered and strong, despite the niggle in my weak pelvis – yep I suffer from symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD – google it) during every pregnancy and the effects still haven’t quite left me. It makes me even more determined to get on this journey of mine...

The journey – that’s what this blog is about. With every footprint in the sand I felt the resurgence of a feeling ... a feeling of self-fulfilment, a sense of who I am, like I was resetting myself back to me. Who couldn’t feel something deep and satisfying in these surrounds?

And so I decided, I am going to do the Iron Maori in 2016. And ... I am going to do something for myself every week. And ... I am going to blog about it so that I can have something that regularly holds me accountable.

So here we go – that’s what I’m going to do and this is my 'how-I'm-going-to-do-it' blog :)